Nothing turns me on more than a good old fashioned lynching.

As outrageous as I am, the one thing I cannot tolerate is blatant racism. Mix that in with a cocky asshole and it's a recipe for disaster. Two years ago my roommates and I were going out for some wholesome innocent fun. We first headed over to T's boyfriend's house to meet up with him and his friend who was in town. "George Wallace" seemed polite enough, was decent looking, (despite being vertically challenged.) I wasn't interested by any means, but certainly not uncomfortable.

Then the racists jokes started. I'm not sure why he thought my friends and I would be okay with this, and despite the lack of laughing, he continued with the racial slurs. He was so creative, that I learned a few new ones that night. Fabulous. After enduring this behavior, we all left for a friends party. While at the party I did not talk to Georgie, nor did I show any subtle signs of interest. I decided to go hang out at a different party and bade them adieu. At this point Georgie got clingy. He acted very hurt and asked why I was leaving him. Confused, though I was, I left anyway.

Later that night I returned home to find a small gathering of people, Georgie included. My roommate T pulled me aside to show me her phone. Apparently Georgie asked for my number, and T thought it would be funny to give him hers instead, so she could see what he would write. He sent about 15 texts, "I'm sleeping in your bed tonight," "Why'd you leave the party?" "Get ready to cuddle," and so on. Cool. So now I'm pretty freaked. Back in the living room I'm hanging out with my buddy Paddy, when it dawns on me that my room is unlocked. I run upstairs to lock it. Not two seconds later Georgie is behind me. I said excuse me and ran back downstairs. Paddy later told me that he and the other guys were moments from following as well to keep an eye on this guy.

At this point I've had it, both with his awkward advances, as well as his offensive jokes. After I left him upstairs he hid in T's room and wouldn't leave. He wouldn't even listen to his friend that brought him there in the first place. One of Paddy's friends (the biggest one) proceeded to grab a bat and go intimidate the boy. It was at that point we were finally free of the racist little gremlin.

Moral of the Story:
Despite what the movie Clerks 2 would have you believe, it is not possible for a white man to "bring back" the phrase "porch monkey"